Tragedy struck my happy little universe a few weeks ago. My precious itty bitty kitty, Buddy-Licious, injured his back and two days later his beautiful soul was released from his tiny body, by way of injection, at a hospital in New Jersey. It was a very trying ordeal and the week following was no picnic either. Just so you know, Buddy was an amazing little kitty who stole the heart of anyone who dared cross his path. He was the most wonderfully affectionate little creature I have ever met and as you can see from his photo he was one of the cutest as well. So anyway, needless to say, I have been grieving pretty intensely. As I walk around my house I can see my precious B running around after me, sleeping, eating and playing. The memories tear my heart. In the beginning I simply could not stop crying, well sobbing actually. I am reasonably certain that my B has moved on to do his good work elsewhere and he is fine, I just miss him like crazy.
At first I felt that all joy had evacuated from my life, never to return. The anguish engulfed, or rather I allowed the anguish to engulf me. I did not have control over the feelings of loss and sadness. However, I absolutely did had control over the degree of control that I allowed them to have over me. I witnessed my grieving and began to feel the need to reign it in before it turned into a bout of depression. So, I began writing in my gratitude journal again. I started by writing a thank you letter to Little Buddy for the incredible gift of his love and joyful presence. I cried but I also felt intense gratitude which has begun to heal my aching heart.
Several days later I was having a conversation with a friend about gratitude among other things. In the middle of the conversation I suddenly understood one of the lessons that I could choose to take from my Little Buddy's passing. For some time I had been making a conscious choice to live a joy-filled life. I had decided to choose happiness and joy and gratitude as a way of life. When everything was reasonably good it was an easy choice. I had truly started to become a more tolerant, relaxed and happy person. Everything really seemed to go my way. When my precious B died it felt as though the rug had been pulled from under my feet. I felt that I was being punished for something that I had done. My mind tried to go there but, thank goodness, I did not allow it to take up residence. I cycled through the different stages of grieving. (I still am actually.) I felt the pain that felt like it was killing me... and then I came out the other side. I won that battle.
I feel sadness when I remember having my Little Buddy constantly around me. Sometimes a lot and sometimes not as much. I will probably miss him forever. My dear old Dad still misses his childhood pup Skippy and he's in his seventies. But, even so, I choose to live a life of joy and gratitude and it's not dependant on everything always going my way. It's dependant on absolutely nothing. It's a choice that I must recommit to on a daily basis. It's a choice that I must honor. It's a choice that I must work for and allow. Now that choice is coming to my emotional rescue when I most need it. Yay for me! I have not lost my way in the forest of my grief and anguish. I am spending the time that I need to there and then I am coming back out into the light again. Kinda like a healthy person... amazing!
Thank you B, you made my life a better place. I miss you like crazy and I will always be grateful for the short time that I had with you my Angel Buddy.
I have found that some people do not understand the grief that I feel. "Psychologists have long recognized that the grief suffered by pet owners after their pet dies is the same as that experienced after the death of a person. The death of a pet means the loss of a non-judgmental love source." ~ Margaret Muns DVM
There are books about it and support websites to help with the grief and feelings of guilt. If any of you have lost a pet, and are finding that you feel tremendous grief and/or guilt, there are some links below that may help you. I find "The Rainbow Bridge" to be particularly comforting to read. It may sound silly but it does bring hope to my heart.
May you abide in joy one and all.
http://rainbowsbridge.com/Poem.htm
http://www.petloss.com/muns.htm
http://www.petloss.com/dealing.htm
