Why Ask Why?

Imagine if you deliberately paused for just a moment before choosing to take action and asked yourself why? What paths would change in your life? Today I paused before choosing angry words and instead I chose to express pain. Each action becomes more deliberate and has more meaning when we pause for even a millisecond to evaluate our choice. I choose my actions and my reactions and when I remember to choose consciously I lessen the drama and heighten the quality.

Finding My Inner Yogini

I had my first Hatha Yoga experience somewhere around the age of eleven or twelve. I was visiting my father at the ashram where he was living. My cousin had introduced him to her Guru and he never looked back. From that time on he lived primarily in ashrams, in the United States as well as in India. Slowly family members began following his lead and soon my entire family were living at the ashram. The clothing in the ashram was extremely modest in those days, the Hatha Yoga teacher would wear a floor length skirt and a long sleeved blouse and the demonstrator usually wore a punjabi. I remember most clearly the guided savasana and the powerful effect that her words had on my body. I actually still use several of that teacher's phrases in my own relaxation. I can still hear her soft reassuring voice in my head as I guide myself into Savasana.

I have spent most of my life traveling and moving around, first with my family and then on my own. The longest time that I've spent living in an ashram was a little over two and a half years, I am the exception in my family. Anyway, it was during that particular time that I trained to be a Hatha Yoga teacher. For a brief period I taught my own classes but I preferred giving private lessons and adjusting for other teachers' classes. I do not really enjoy public speaking and simply feel more comfortable working one on one with people. At that time I was living in India and the rooms the teachers were given to practice in were in a beautiful small house surrounded by Plumeria trees. If you are unfamiliar with Plumeria trees they are flowering trees and the blooms are gorgeous and fragrant! It was a heavenly experience to be sure!

At that time I had a truly fantastic and wonderfully motivating teacher. His depth of understanding the body and the postures as well as his conveyance of that knowledge into his students' bodies is truly phenomenal. He has his own school now and I could not be happier or more grateful to have worked with him. Digressing! Since then I have moved numerous times and arisen from many an ash pile as the Phoenix reborn! Hatha Yoga pops in and out of my life like a good old friend that doesn't need constant attention to stay close to my heart. Also my old teacher's voice has never left my head. His words and his principles were so firmly planted in my body that every time I practice, if I focus, my body practically self adjusts!

About a year and a half ago I began to recreate myself yet again! I started keeping a gratitude journal, taking better care of my body and mind and meditating regularly again. I also started playing with my dog as a form of exercise which I highly recommend. After awhile playing with my dog opened out into really just spontaneous playing. I started skipping around and doing cartwheels and somersaults, like a young girl! In the winter, my precious pup and I would tumble and roll around in the snow. I learned that I could actually enjoy cold weather, which I never had before. It was amazing and inspiring and it helped me to open up my heart to my own self! Wah!

Finally this Spring I was playing with the dogs outside when suddenly I just felt like breakin' into Surya Namaskar... so I did. Now I do my practice outside, right on the grass, nearly every day and I have never enjoyed Hatha Yoga more. At 39 I feel more connected to my body, the postures and the shakti than I have ever felt before. I am also stronger and more flexible than I've ever been and people tell me I look fantastic, which isn't neccessary but it certainly feels good. Through the ebb and flow of my ever-changing life, I will always have Hatha Yoga to come home to. I've found my inner yogini this summer and though it's likely that she will disappear again I know she'll always be there when I truly need her. Sadgurunath Maharaj Ki Jai!

Aaah! The Power and Wisdom of Intention

I first watched The Secret a little over a year ago. After my first viewing I watched it every day for over a month. I tried creating a vision board but ended up with a collage of a magical garden with a hummingbird and my teacher and Lakshmi hanging out with me and my best friend Pam. It's quite beautiful and everyone loved it so much that I made one for my mom for her birthday. I actually didn't really feel that I had accomplished what I had set out to do but I loved the collage and that was great.

At the same time I went through some magazines and picked out a few pages with photos of things that I wanted to change in my life. I only remember two of the pages one was a woman doing yoga and one was a photo of some healthy looking organic food. Lastly I wrote in a gratitude journal every day for a few months and then off and on for the past year or so. In my gratitude journal I write about the love that I feel radiating from inside and out. I express gratitude for my healthy, strong, lithe and beautiful body mind and spirit. I say thank you for the ease with which I walk through this life. There are other things but those are the constants.

Here I am about a year from the first time I watched The Secret. Let's see... I am doing yoga every day because I feel like doing it not because I feel I should be doing it. I feel stronger and more present in my postures than I ever have and I actually taught yoga many years ago! I eat almost entirely organic and my overall diet is much more healthy, again because I crave these foods now. I do my yoga practice in a garden where there are, I'm not kidding, two or three hummingbirds buzzing around and occasionally alighting on a branch near me. There is a baby bunny who pops out once in awhile and has actually fallen asleep near me. Majestic eagles soar above me almost every day. One day two baby deer were laying down in the field next to me quietly watching. Could this garden be any more magical? I find heart shapes everywhere. If you want to see a couple more of them go to this posting. You will likely be surprised. I still get these hearts all the time.

I am more relaxed and calm than I have ever been. My family and friends have all noted and praised the change in me. More importantly I have noted the change in me. After many years of being told that I must first love myself... I DO! I really do feel incredible love for myself. I still get the old crap rearing it's head occasionally but it has so much less power than ever before. I might listen for an hour or so now and then I just go outside and reconnect with myself and get back to creating my beautiful life. I am happy and grateful to be manifesting love, joy and magical gardens. Oh yes and, of course, a healthy, strong, lithe and beautiful body, mind and spirit!

Allowing... Accepting with Love

The other day when I was just beginning my hatha yoga practice on the soft grass in my neighbors back yard one of our resident eagles flew over. My neighbors have granted me access to their property which is quite lovely and brimming with magical loving energy. True. Their family were the only people to own the property (since Native Americans didn't claim ownership to land.) They are a wonderful, loving and accepting family and the land radiates with their energy. I paused my practice and sat down to enjoy the breathtaking sight of an eagle in flight. For me it literally takes my breath away to watch an eagle soaring majestically through the sky.

The eagle stuck around for longer than usual and was circling the lake when another eagle showed up and I watched mesmerized as they danced in the air like angels swooping, circling and swooping by each other. Wah! I felt such peace and joy to watch the beautiful couple playing amongst the clouds. As I sat in awe it occurred to me that the eagles flight appeared effortless. I examined the way they allowed the wind to do most of the work while they simply rode the currents. Then I started thinking about the past year and how many times I had seen images of birds in the clouds and actual birds and eagles had appeared at the most strategic moments. I suddenly realized that the message I was being given was a message of allowing.

I have tendencies towards pushing against things that I do not want. My mom was a huge activist and did get a lot that she set out to do accomplished. She is warm and loving as well as strong and intense and I love very much. However I watched her and other activists push against the world to little avail. I have not become a grand activist like my mother but I do still have the tendency in me to think in this manner. I see things I do not like and I want to scream and yell. Sometimes I have, it hasn't been terribly effective. lol Sometimes I look around and I am furious with the things that have manifested in this world. Normally rage turned to despair and I was wracked with pain over things that I could not fix.

So as I watched the eagles dance above the lake I decided that allowing was my new game. It isn't really new, per se, just newly renovated. It is almost the same as self effort and grace (funny I just realized that my design for that of course is a heart with large multi-colored wings) but allowing is even more. I frequently become agitated when people drive past my house very quickly and recklessly. I live on a small country road and there are many creatures and people walking on the road. Now whenever someone drives by in this manner I focus my energy and think to myself that I am a peace bomb. I watch the peaceful energy radiate from me like a nuclear blast and I watch it roll over the car. It is so much nicer than becoming agitated. I don't know if people are driving any more reasonably but I will say that I now see police cars driving by more often and for sure that will help! Yay for the peace bomb!

Another experience I had was when I was driving and in a hurry one day. I was becoming quite irritated with the cars around me and it did not feel good. So I decided to try something new. I started chanting "Vitthale, Vitthale, Vitthale, Vitthale, Jai Jai Vitthale!" which is one of my favorite chants. It is lively, fun and it fills me with joy. As I chanted I thought to myself how much better I felt in only moments and I realized that my hurrying was completely unnecessary. I felt so powerful at that moment. I do not have to be controlled by my emotions. I can allow the world around me to just be okay the way it is right now and I can allow myself to be happy and okay. I can do that.

I do not mean to say that I want to walk through this life blind to the things that I am not wanting. I still am striving to be the change that I want to see in the world. I am just doing it in a much more happy and relaxed state of being! Jai Jai Vitthale!

Growing into Freedom

I remember riding in the car as a young child and staring, with the focus of a mind reader, at the passing billboards and signs trying to decipher their meaning. I was desperate to learn how to read so when I finally did conquer the mysteries of the written word I ate up books like candy. I joyfully devoured Greek mythology and then I moved on to Roman mythology. I was not as impressed with Roman mythology but I read on regardless. I just really enjoyed reading myths for some reason. When I was about eight years old my family began attending church services on a regular basis. Of course I read the Bible stories and I guess because of my love of mythology I understood them to be Christian mythology. The lessons were kind of similar and the stories were fantastical much like the other myths that I had read. And then going to church seemed to be mostly a social affair with some lecturing and advice thrown in for good measure. Oddly enough, I don't remember ever really thinking that seriously about God when I was in church. Perhaps for these reasons or perhaps because it was simply not my destiny, or karma, Christianity never really clicked with me. Though I did enjoy the experience and I even got to be an acolyte a for a short while which was great fun.

I met my spiritual teacher when I was about twelve. The experience of my spiritual awakening was not a cosmic circus of blue lights and levitation. It was a profound relief and a feeling that I had finally come home. Eastern philosophy was a new path for me but it didn't feel new, it felt completely natural. There were wonderful stories to enjoy on this path as well but the experience of the Truth was the paramount goal and the methods to attain that goal were quite enjoyable for the most part. I was never an early bird but, luckily for me, I didn't have to be. I must admit that meditating did not always come easily to me. In fact it took me many years to actually crave meditation on a regular basis. Chanting, on the other hand, was heavenly and I could do it anytime and anywhere.

The first chant that I ever attended was Hare Krishna. I was eleven when my dad had brought my sister and I to an ashram for the first time. My cousin had introduced him to the guru and he was pretty much instantly absorbed into his spiritual path. I remember the chanting hall was dimly lit and smelled of sandalwood incense which at the time seemed wonderfully mystical and exotic. I think I tried to follow along for awhile but it was late and I was tired so my dad wrapped me in a blanket and I laid my head in his lap and fell fast asleep. It was the most glorious sleep that I had ever experienced not to mention one of my favorite memories of time spent with dad.

Some months after I returned home from that journey my brother, I think it was my brother, sent me; a photo of the guru, a tape of a slow chant and a beautiful little puja rug. It was a wonderful gift and I put it all to great use. I cleared out half of my closet and created a tiny chanting cave or sacred space if you will. I remember going into my little cave and chanting with great abandon and then dutifully trying to meditate. And so started my spiritual journey. I met my teacher about a year later.

My dad had begun traveling with the guru so visiting dad became a visit to the ashram. There were programs held every evening at that time which included chanting, meditation and spiritual discourse. We did seva, aka selfless service, for a couple of hours a day and sometimes there were Hatha Yoga classes. Spirituality was infused into every aspect of daily life. At the end of every evening program there was darshan, which was a time when one had the opportunity to go in front of the guru and ask a question, just say hello or whatever. As a child, darshan was an especially wonderful experience. I just soaked in the love that poured out of Baba. For me he was a bit like a really loving grandfather whose gifts were far greater than any toy or bauble. Although he did, often times, actually give people presents to boot.
The understanding of God and spirituality at the ashram clicked for me in a way that I had not felt before. That being said, I also was certainly no 'little miss dharmic yogini' neither as a child nor as a teen. I ebbed and flowed like any youngster does... I guess I still do! Ha! Anyway, most of my family ended up living in the ashram or traveling with the guru for many years. My cousin, one sister and my dad lived in this way for over twenty years. My mom and other siblings each for somewhere between ten and twenty years.

The longest period of time that I lived in an ashram was just under three years. For me this was a record! In the past thirty years I haven't lived consistently in any one place for longer than six years and most places for less than three. Not since I left Philadelphia at the ripe old age of nine! I digress... Each time, however brief or long, that I lived in the ashram brought more insights and understanding. Each time that I lived outside of the ashram gave me the opportunity to utilize my new tools. My last extended stay at the ashram my teacher told me that I would have to start looking to my inner guru for answers. It was somewhat frightening but overall an empowering experience to hear those words from my guru who had given me such wonderful guidance for so many years.

That was about thirteen years ago. In the past thirteen years I have continued ebbing and flowing my way towards my true self. Every year the insights seem to be more plentiful and more frequent. I find inspiration in some pretty unusual places and I am learning how to guide and choose my feelings. I am starting to understand, after all of these years, how to truly love and acknowledge myself. I feel my connection so strongly and so much more consistently than I ever have before. Almost as if it was the most natural state in the cosmos! Go figure...

A few weeks ago I was contemplating an idea for a design based on freedom. (I create designs for t-shirts and gifty stuff) I was thinking about an eagle because I actually have a couple of eagles nesting not too far from me and every time that I see them I feel such a rush of joy and awe. So anyway, as I was thinking about what I wanted to do, "Freedom is a choice" popped into my head. (It's an adaptation of an Abraham Lincoln quote; "Happiness is a choice.") As I contemplated those words I felt very light. Freedom really is a choice. I realized that for the past nine months or so I have been actively working on choosing freedom. Freedom from my habits. Freedom from speculation. Freedom from my inner critic. Freedom from the part of me that wants to be right.
I am finding that it gets easier with time. I still have all of the unwanted thoughts popping into my head but the difference is I choose not to engage with them nearly as often as I used to. I am learning and creating tools to allow them to pop right back out again so that I can focus on the truth. I already am free. I just have to choose and be present in my freedom so I can enjoy the ride and continue with the business of creating my beautiful life.